soldier on.

April 18, 2012

i’m in the middle of infusion number one of the four i’ll do today. i still haven’t recovered from my first run on monday, though i slept my way through most of tuesday. i’m really hoping that my reaction (herxing) the day before last will be the worst of it. fingers crossed. i don’t know how well i’ll handle another day and night of convulsing, rolling around on the ground, moving constantly and generally feeling like my body is possessed by a demon, of which i have no control over.

the fallout from two days ago convulsion party is that every muscle in my body is sore. it feels like i’ve fallen victim to a meat tenderizer. my eyes were bloodshot until this morning, i think because i was holding my breath to get through the stabbing pains and i probably strained something behind my eyes. today my actual eyeball is less red, but my orbital cavities are raw and red. my eyelids are heavy and itchy. my ears pop and hurt. i can’t stay in one position for very long. i have almost completely lost my apetite. my chin seems to have melted into an array of swollen lymph nodes. i’m having trouble walking and standing because it feels like my legs might split down the center like a hotdog. the toxic die-off affects the extremities because the blood flow is weaker, so my arms hurt too. also, i’m unreasonably crabby, impatient and angry, which i hadn’t really noticed until i was talking to a friend about her symptoms. this morning when i became instantly annoyed at my mother who hadn’t heard what i said, i remembered what my friend had said. maybe my disproportional reactions are caused by the die-off of lyme and babesia in my brain. it’s hard to know what’s a symptom and what’s not. it seems like anything that feels off gets thrown into the “that’s from lyme and co-infections!” category. my car started acting up today and i’m going to blame that on lyme disease too.

this is hard, really, really hard. even though it’s what i expected, actually experiencing it is excruciating. again, this isn’t written to simply complain about feeling like i’ve been run over by a truck, but to give shape to my process and progress. maybe i haven’t looked hard enough, but i haven’t found any blogs that were entirely engaging about going through treatment for lyme and co-infections. i have found great blogs about chronic illness that i can identify with but right now, that’s not the angle of support that i need. and the most lyme popular blogs? i found those to be utterly unhelpful. obviously, people can relate to those, but i didn’t. at all.

dear day three of the treatment schedule, please be gentler on me. please?