lackluster.

March 30, 2012

i got out of bed today.

are you giving me the slow clap? well, speed that shit up. i feel like i deserve some real applause for dragging myself from my comfortable nest, making myself a cup of green tea (it helps detox, didn’t you know), shuffling into my office/infusion station and hooking myself up to an iv. this morning was the most difficult one so far. after i started my antibiotic drip, i gave up on being out of bed. i wheeled my friend (my grandma used to call her walker her friend, so i’m calling my iv pole my friend) back into the bedroom and hid under the covers. i set an alarm so that i wouldn’t oversleep the iv and end up with a tube full of blood. i writhed around for a while and woke up to a perfectly timed alarm. then, i writhed around some more.

it’s completely possible that my previous feelings of “this isn’t so bad” were because i was doing it wrong. in the last year, i’ve started to have some considerable problems with numbers. at first it was just switching them around a bit but the progression of my numbers issue was strange and significant. on many occasions now, i’ve read the clock wrong. this could seem like an understandable mistake if i were four-years-old and it was an analog clock. sadly, i misread digital clocks as well. i’m never an exact hour off the mark either. i’ve thought it was 7:12 when it was 8:40. i’ve set alarms for appointments and meetings that were after the actual meeting time. my number jumble is the only explanation i can come up with for how i ended up giving myself only one infusion of merepenem a day instead of two. though i looked at the written instructions at least 20 times, i saw the number two as one. now that i’ve stepped it up, i feel worse.

how to wash your long hair without getting your body wet. otherwise known as "the toad bath."

the lactated ringer’s, which are kind of like bags of saline with less sodium and added electrolytes, bring me a lot of relief. they help ease the migraines, rehydrate this body that can’t seem to retain any liquids and help my muscles to unwind a bit. there aren’t a whole lot of things that i have uncovered that actually make me feel better. i bought a heated foot bath with bubbles that are supposed to massage my feets (that was intentional). i haven’t taken it for a test drive yet, but i thought that it might help with relaxation and detoxification. i’m dry brushing my skin to help remove dead cells and toxins. because my central catheter insertion sites haven’t healed yet, i’m not able to do things that stretch my right shoulder, which puts a real damper on my ability to work out the knots in my muscles. i’m supporting my body the best that i can, but… this is painful and it’s just the beginning.

squirming around in bed, i was wishing for an acupuncturist/massage therapist who could come to my house every day, lay their healing hands on my aching body and feed me grapes. then the image of hedonismbot from futurama popped into my head. grapes aside, my desires aren’t hedonistic, but they’re also not realistic. i need to find some practical self-care that can make a dent in the pain i’m experiencing.

my fios is out for the second time in two days, which means that for the moment, i am without the internets. so in the meantime, i’m going to hand draw you a picture of myself bathing. don’t mind the stick figure obscenity.

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5 Responses to “lackluster.”

  1. Gilly said

    I am giving you the solid strong cheer, no slow clap for you. No clap at all. The last thing you need is another disease. Bad joke. Ha. LOVE.

  2. There has to be a way for me to become your daily home visiting Massage Therapist. I remember on the Land I felt so inadequate to work on you because I knew about the Lupus and the Lyme, I did not know about all the other things you are also dealing with. But, even then I thought I wish we lived close because I could learn as we go how to do the right massage for all that ails you, its a constantly shifting thing so I would need to learn to read you and shift with it all so as to bring real relief. The situation being so extreme I find my mind wandering to, surely there is a grant or something that would pay me to be your daily massage therapist.
    seriously.

  3. Carol Shepherd said

    I need to find a supplier for lactated ringers…..my pharmacy just quit selling them…..

    • most pharmacies will order them for you. i generally got them through walgreens but also had to go to other local pharmacies now and then. whenever i tried to find them online, i ended up only really finding them for animals and not of the human variety. i’d call around to see if anyone stocks them or can put in an order for you. if not, check with your doctor’s office. they should be able to recommend a supplier for you. best of luck!

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