i’m gonna party like it’s 1999.

March 14, 2012

the funeral is over and the celebration has begun.

i knew that yesterday’s morose entry was a buzz kill considering i’m finally moving ahead, rushing the line and upping the fight against the spirochetes i’ve been harboring since… well, maybe my whole life. i’ll never really know. i wish i could write that i’m one for allowing myself the space to actually feel my feelings, but that’s not at all true. it would be nice if i was, but i fight them tooth and nail. however, in this last bit of time, i’ve been right there, holding court exactly where i’m at. that’s no easy feat, but i’ve worked hard to stay open and honest. today, i’m brimming with gratitude and joy.

i’m indulging my guilty pleasures, like crappy french electro pop and liz lovely german chocolate cake cookies (they are ridiculously delicious, not just for a dessert that’s gluten-free and vegan. these are good by any dietary measure). i’m on my second grape chia kombucha. look, i get that my naughty snacking is probably some of the healthiest stuff most people would ever eat. if it helps you relate, i devoured a package of sopressata for breakfast. i’m pulling out the hip hop/pop that bring out my best bounce and body rolls. when i get too tired to keep up this dance party, i’m going to toss myself onto a pile of down pillows on the couch and watch tv shows with weak plots and pretty actresses. i’m going to fall asleep in my down nest. i’ll lazily wake up and find where i left off. for the first time, i’ll appreciate having dvr. i’m not going to lift a finger; nothing in the house will be cleaned today (that’s probably a lie). i’m going to walk barefoot on the sun-warmed deck and lay on the the rug with the dogs while they snort and wiggle around me. when the sun sets, i’m going listen to ministry and think about all the fantastic times i’ve had over the years. i wonder if being sick has taught me more about living in the moment than i have given it credit for. i’ve lived hard. i’ve loved hard. i’ve lost hard. and i’ve grown… a lot.

after sharing my fears about handling my treatments by myself, my crew of friends and family have shown up. they’ve made their love and support so clear that i’d be a fool to think that i’m doing this alone. even in those slivers of time that i feel like it’s me against the world, i know i’ve got an angel at my back. plus, i’ve got the most amazing partner who is down to dredge the trenches with me.

this party for one is epic.

in the spirit of confessing things on here that i have trouble verbalizing to my closest loves, i’ll go ahead and tell you that right now i’m listening to this song. you heard that right. i’m sexy and i know it.

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